the truth is…

alex and i have been going through serious house drama over the past few months, but we have found a new place to call home.  a (town)house that will be where we throw the “welcome home ben and erin” party, my 33rd birthday party, perhaps host our first holiday, and most likely be where we are living when we…gasp…have a baby.

no.  i am not pregnant.  bite your tongue.

but, THE TRUTH IS, i could never imagine having children before because we had nothing substantial to call our own (like real estate).  all we had was each other and a mountain of debt.  the each other part is about the best thing i could ever hope for, let alone have.  alex will leave me silly voicemails that make me smile in that way that shows anybody watching that yeah, i’m in love, and yeah, it’s with a pretty rocking guy who loves me back.  but, the mountain of debt part is pretty shiteous.  and it takes over my brain sometimes and doesn’t let me see that there are things far worse to be out of than money.  like peace of mind, or love.  but knowing that we are going to have a place to call our own, a place that will provide us with equity and security, it made us realize that we would have more than hope and a mountain of debt to offer a child. does that sound weird? i get that it might seem to odd to determine wanting kids based on property acquisition, and that’s not exactly what i mean.  we wanted kids all along, but we couldn’t see it because we were so afraid of not being enough for a child.  

so finding this house solidified a future that we hoped for, but couldn’t picture prior to finding it.  and then bad weather hit on saturday night, and i got scared about buying a house with no basement.  scared enough to try to cancel the contract which would mean losing $1800.  which would mean back to the drawing board and the house hunt.  which would mean undue stress for god knows how long. but, THE TRUTH IS, i don’t think i was actually all that scared of the weather.  i think i was scared that buying this house meant i am going to be an official adult.  a house owning, child having adult tied to lawrence and this life that i never imagined for myself. 

see, i always thought i’d be…larger than life.  a presence in my own life, and in others’, by way of some form of stage.  and while, yes, i perform all day long as a teacher and my classroom is my stage, the time to do things that i once deemed essential has passed: i am not going to live in new york city with four roommates and work in a diner while going on auditions.  it just isn’t going to happen, and feeling nostalgic for something that never occurred, or is going to occur, is just, well, stupid.  i’m never going to be on broadway, or be a member of the steppenwolf theatre company, or win over the crowd at the apollo with my stirring rendition of come rain or come shine.  and that is OK, but when you have believed yourself to be one thing for so long, it takes awhile to accept that that image is out of focus.  not wrong, exactly, but  hazy.  the your coming true is a shade off the color you had always envisioned: teal instead of turquoise, indigo instead of navy. and, THE TRUTH IS, i love my life.  have loved it for so long that i don’t really think about NOT loving it until a major decision looms and i find myself scared to death by the finality of said decision.

so i guess, dear reader, THE TRUTH IS, when i tried to cancel the contract on this house (which didn’t succeed and we are getting it and we close may 20th and you are all invited to come see how awesome it is whenever you want) i wasn’t really scared of bad weather, or the future.  i was scared of saying that this me is the me i was meant to be, and that means my plans were pointless.  and i am planner.  a ducks in a row type person.  so realizing all my plans won’t lead anywhere, means i have to learn to let go.  i have to stop trying to be in control, and just float.  breathe.  accept.  it is a hard lesson, but i am embracing it.