because i’m 15

February 26, 2007

i recently embraced my inner 15 year old & went to see christina aguilera at kemper.  her voice is one of the most incredible vocal gifts i have ever heard.  she was flawless; not 1 note out of place.  if you ever have the chance to see her i cannot recommend it more.  and the outfits were pretty rockin, too.

inspiring

February 17, 2007

the lady in green at the side of this blog is often how i picture myself, top askew in flowing yoga pants, bohemian and centered, healthy and up for anything.  if you know me then you might find that funny as, proportionately speaking, i am neither tall nor willowy and clothes of that sort would not look like that on me.  but the image, nonetheless, is inspiring.  i look at it and think that my constant battle with my weight (yes, i gained back all i lost before the wedding) is not a battle waged in vain.  i will work hard to make my outside match my inside and someday the mirror and this lady will look startlingly alike.

here are a few other images that inspire me:

   

where i wear it

February 8, 2007

i have recently been told i wear my emotions on my face.  this is no knew shock to me.  part of why i think i was good on stage in my younger years is directly credited to this recently attested to fact.  i am usually a very upbeat, if at times snarky, person, and i relish good conversations about literature, movies, music, the world at large, and of course politics and education, etc.  i am a talker and, as one friend describes me, “a feeler.”

being a talker has been a positive for me, talking through difficult situations, learning far earlier thamost what a would-be suitor’s intentions are ( and, admittedly, ignoring those ill intentions from time to time).  i have met and known amazing people because i am approachable, because i am a talker, and i have an uncanny ability, it seems, to make people comfortable enough to suddenly begin sharing their lives with me.  i have always seen this as a blessing.

the feeler side of things is a catch 22 of epic proportions.  if i care for you and count you a friend i will be undyingly loyal, and if you have wronged my family or friends in some way you should beware of dark alleys and suspicious packages.  my bark being far worse thatn my bite, you will most likely never encounter me in said alleys or receive said packages, but being wary of those things are just good life lessons overall.

my point here is that when i speak to people i am often candid to the point of being tactless and i am fully aware of this character trait.  i apologize when a gaffe has been committed, owning up to the negativity in my voice or the impatience i may be displaying.  i worry that this flaw will harm me professionally and, in fact, it very nearly already has.

as one friend told me, “office politics can be a bitch to cuddle up to,” so perhaps this feeler needs to stop being such a fan of the cuddling, and start keeping to myself, keeping my mouth shut, and ressentially being a totally different person.  so i will try to wear my emotions in secret, and leave my face a mask of indifference, no matter how hard it is.

moving right along

February 2, 2007

the last few weeks have been incredibly humbling. knowing how to teach freshman composition has prepared me in some ways to teach high school, but there is a whole school of fish i have not encountered before and they are the apathetic and/or could give a crap students. i want to say to them “this is where it starts, the road to who you will be, let’s make sure you have all the tools to be successful and help you to know who you are and what you want and what you believe in.” maybe that is too pollyanna.

also, i was evaluated this week by my supervising teacher. she is so knowledgable but i often feel disheartened after speaking with her because, though i need to hear the criticism she gives me, it often feels less constructive than it could. i don’t think she dislikes me in any way, but feel she expects a lot out of me, and while that is a very flattering thing, it would help to hear a little praise once in awhile, even if it is only “hey, you knew the kids’ names!”

and for the record, four days of pre-reading is too much. stick with two. i followed a hopelessly unrealistic plan and the kids were OVER IT. we started reading “to kill a mockingbird” yesterda and they would have been ready on tuesday. it is one of my favorite books so i hope we have a good time with it together.

nest week i start sailing up the river with the funky and foul finn, huck that is. i cannot stand this book, but it is part of the curriculum so i will wear it well, the albatross taht clashes with all my other accessories, until we can move on to modern poetry, and e.e. cummings. this is the poem he wrote that we used in our wedding, and i love it so:

i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)