i am so sorry i have not called, emailed, written, or been generally accessible over the past few months. directing guys and dolls has been one of the most rewarding and challenging experiences of my life and someday, when i have more time and more perspective, i am going to write a nice fat post about it, but until then i can only say: sorry.

i want to know about your lives and hear about the magical things happening to you, but i find myself so busy living my own life that i just haven’t had time to catch up with everyone. i feel very guilty about this, because i ADORE my friends and not seeing them or checking in feels like a betrayal of their awesome decision to support me.

so, if you are my friend, and you feel neglected, know i love you and that after january 24 (the last day of the show) i will be far more available for chats, lunches, and maybe the occasional shopping spree. until then, i leave you with this token of my love:

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huh

January 7, 2009

am i the only one who thinks this 1989 magazine cover of cyndi lauper looks startlingly like the ‘iconic’ look christina aguilera has cultivated?
cyndi-lauper-116

i am a (not so) BIG baby

January 6, 2009

i am home after my first day of the second semester. i made a great dinner, ate with my husband, and now my dog is eating a rawhide while i watch tv. and not just any tv. oh no. i am watching the premier of biggest loser: couples.

and i am tearing up right and left.

i know it is ri-damn-diculous for me to get so emotional about this show, but when you see people having the realization that they need to change their lives…when I see that…all i can think is about how i felt in july. i had convinced myself that i was happy, that my life was fantastic, that my weight wasn’t a factor in how i felt about myself. i had myself convinced that it didn’t matter what the scale said because i knew who i was on the inside.

that was all bullshit.

when i came back from lovewell, there were pictures up on facebook fro some of the kids, and i realized that what i looked like and who i felt like were totally different people. i didn’t want these amazing and unique kids to remmerb me as the overweight, out of breath, uncomfortable sweating woman who worked with them. i wanted them to remember the energetic, funny, smart woman who was up for anything. and so i got pissed off at myself for about fifteen seconds, and then i got to work.

so i cry at the biggest loser, and maybe that makes me a big baby, but i’m not quite so big as i once was. in fact, i’ve lost almost 30 pounds, and if i’m crying it’s because i know how much better these people are going to feel about themselves. i know where they are headed, and i am so happy for them.

new eyes

January 2, 2009

the quotation in the header is from marcel proust, and it pretty much sums up the way i want to live. i had a bizarre holiday; it just didn’t feel like christmas this year. too much consumption, maybe, and not enough conception (immaculate, that is).  i realized i am not doing much to impact the world with my creativity, and being separated from the artistic part of myself makes me very unhappy.  i wonder what there is to look forward to?  i feel tied to the house we rent, the one we hope to buy; i love my husband and our dog and our life but there have been a few moments lately when 32 has felt awfully claustrophobic and the truth is: it is my fault.  i have let something go for a long time now that centers me, puts me in the world in a real tangible way, and so i return to writing.

i spent several hours last night reworking a story i wrote in graduate school.  i have so much material from those two years and i haven’t looked at it since i graduated.  i moved away from an artists life and towards that of a person of service.  i love teaching, and it has been the best day job i’ve ever had, but it isn’t fulfilling the need i have to be creatively expressive on my own terms.  teaching has strictures and structures and rules that determine just how creative you can be, and to what end.  when i write, i find myself inventing the world as i see it, or as i’d like to.  j.d. salinger , who turned 90 yesterday, wrote:  “An artist’s only concern is to shoot for some kind of perfection, and on his own terms, not anyone else’s.”  that is all i want to do.  to discover my own form of perfection, if only in a few thousand words, a couple of stories at a time. 

i plan to seek new landscapes by looking at the world through new eyes, by seeing that the life i have allows me to be creative, affords me the time and opportunity to work on my writing, and myself, and enables me to continue the search for purpose and beauty in the world around and within me.  2009 is just a day and half old, but i know it is my time, and i refuse to feel selfish about taking it.  everyone deserves to be happy and if you are not then get up and do something about it.  no one can make it happen for you.

in the past year i have watched friends divorce and stay civil–a testament to what loving someone really means–i have seen dear friends become mothers, strong people lose family members, and some of the kindest souls i know have questioned their reason for living.  if we can’t all rally around one another and try to breathe some beauty back into the world, what good are we?  we need to learn from each other and remember what ani difranco says: “love is all over the place.”  

i am going to believe in that more, this year, and i hope you will do the same.