this is so tragically true

growth

i am trying to be bigger than the little things that trap me.  bigger hearted, bigger minded, bigger picture.  just…bigger.  i’ve been hemmed in by this notion of a number on the scale, what it means to be a wife, what it means to be a friend, and lately i am realizing all that really matters is what it means to be me.  seriously.  i know that is cheesy and very oprah/dr. phil-ish, but it’s also heartbreakingly true.  so, i am trying to make up for some of my bad behavior.  to reach out to people from my past whom i may have hurt in an effort to align myself with other loyalties, to tell people their happiness is important to me, even if we aren’t important to each other anymore.  this goes for ex-boyfriends, past friends, relatives i’m no longer close to: nothing will ever stop me from wanting people to find the place in the world where they are happy, safe, and loved.  i’m looking desperately for that place all the time and every time i feel settled into it, i am unbelievably grateful.   i am also trying to cut myself the same slack i cut everybody else because perfection is an over-rated aspiration that can really fuck you up.

here’s to being imperfect, and knowing it is ok.

seriously?

ok, blog.  it’s been awhile, and i’m not promising that i’m back for good.  the thing is, blog, i don’t get a lot from you and i’m at a place in my life where i need my relationships to be fruitful, two-sided, i need them to bring good things to me, not just guilt because i’m neglectful or absent.  blog, i want us to share the wild times of yesteryear, to communicate in that way we did once where you were the place i ran when things were good or bad, when i had a great link to share, a funny photo, or a you’ve got to be kidding me story to tell.  so, in the spirit of the latter, blog, here’s a doozy for you.

i found out today that, on friday, a student in my building told a fellow teacher that he would “put a gun in [his] fucking mouth.”  this student was NOT removed from the building, however, he was just moved to a new class.  wanna know why, blog?  it’s not because the administration or district believes in second chances, or that this kid could be rehabilitated.  oh no, that would simply be too positive.  no, blog, you will be shocked to hear that this student was kept in the building because our district is trying to keep as many kids as possible in school to keep our graduation numbers up.  yep, blog, you heard right.  the district thinks it’s ok to keep kids who threaten teachers with violence in the building as long as it decreases our dropout rate.  i’m not sure i see the correlation, but it doesn’t matter what i see, blog, because I AM EXPENDABLE.  my life, and the lives of my fellow teachers and our 1400 students, are not nearly as important as the numbers put out by the state about graduation rates.

so there you have it, blog.  i learned where i stand this week, and now you know where you stand, too.  give me a place to go and i’ll fill you up with all the shit i can;t believe happens in my life.  word.