October 19, 2009

i am trying to be bigger than the little things that trap me.  bigger hearted, bigger minded, bigger picture.  just…bigger.  i’ve been hemmed in by this notion of a number on the scale, what it means to be a wife, what it means to be a friend, and lately i am realizing all that really matters is what it means to be me.  seriously.  i know that is cheesy and very oprah/dr. phil-ish, but it’s also heartbreakingly true.  so, i am trying to make up for some of my bad behavior.  to reach out to people from my past whom i may have hurt in an effort to align myself with other loyalties, to tell people their happiness is important to me, even if we aren’t important to each other anymore.  this goes for ex-boyfriends, past friends, relatives i’m no longer close to: nothing will ever stop me from wanting people to find the place in the world where they are happy, safe, and loved.  i’m looking desperately for that place all the time and every time i feel settled into it, i am unbelievably grateful.   i am also trying to cut myself the same slack i cut everybody else because perfection is an over-rated aspiration that can really fuck you up.

here’s to being imperfect, and knowing it is ok.


2 Responses to “growth”

  1. mendy said

    i don’t think it’s oprah/phil-ish, but 30’s-ish, or life-ish, or what-it-means-to-mature-ish… anyway, a worthy endeavor. i think the hardest thing in life is learning to ease up our expectations on ourselves, so that we don’t end up ruining ourselves. there is so much to feel guilty over, and so little time to accomplish anything good. when i think about what we do ever day as teachers, caring for kids, helping them make connections, learn, make decisions… it’s such a good and worthy job. yet, the best teachers i know are never satisfied with the work they do. we can be rough on ourselves. sometimes it’s the thing that drives us to always move forward, progress, get better… and sometimes it weighs us down with a paralyzing sense of failure. i think we are better at being “good” when we surrender to the fact that we can never be perfect… it frees us up to just do and be.

    anyway, miss you. hope you’re having a good year. and have a great christmas break!

  2. Matthew said

    Wise Wise indeed. The fine things in life like many other great attributes can also be greatly detrimental to our emotions without balance. Too much drive, happiness, relaxation, family time, alone time, work time, exercise time can all be bad for us.
    Finding the balance is a life-long journey. Thus the saying, “Success isn’t a destination, it’s a journey.”
    And some great news is we can choose to be happy even when troubles or challanges arise.
    So if we’re happy more than not, and happy with the “happy:not happy ratio”, then i think that’s the measure of success.

    Enjoy the journey people; i believe that’s our purpose.

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